Abortion in PEI: Kate’s Story

Kate lives in PEI and chose to abort but had to travel to Halifax.  Her story is presented here in her own words.  

It was the day before my period was due when my boyfriend rubbed my tummy and said “so your pregnant huh?”. It took me by surprise. I had been wondering a bit but I hadn’t thought he would be the least bit suspicious. No I said, you pulled out, I’m sure we are fine.

He had never left semen inside me properly. Just three times in my life without a condom. Pulled out each time. This last time… even pulling out didn’t save me. He should have just left it inside – it would have felt better for the same risk.

I tested when I was three days late. The plus sign was almost instant. I peed on it just as I was getting into the shower. The whole time I was showering, all I could think about was that his baby was inside me. There were two of us in the shower!

I called my doctor later that day and made an appointment. It was a few days before I could get in, so I had plenty of time to think. I knew I should abort, I’m only 20 and still so young. He and I aren’t even that stable yet, not married – not even engaged. But every time I told myself to just get an abortion, I felt the over whelming urge to just curl up and let his baby grow inside me. I was pregnant by him. Even now it feels so good to admit he did that to me. Being pregnant by a guy you love feels so amazing. It is impossible to describe it.s

For a few days, I felt like a princess to be pregnant. Princess Kate. With an appointment to ask for an abortion. Maybe not so princess.

Then, the morning sickness started and it got bad fast.

When I asked my doctor for the abortion, he agreed pretty easy. I thought it would be harder to talk him into it. He said they would call me with two dates, one for an ultrasound and one for the day I’d lose my baby. He said it like that, lose the baby. I felt like such a little girl having to ask to get it done like that.

He gave me a prescription for Diclectin to help with the morning sickness. Its safe during pregnancy so if I changed my mind it would be ok. For the most part, it made the morning sickness better, but its also a sedative. So when I took it, I couldn’t think straight and just wanted to sleep all the time. Being sedated was still better than being sick.

A week or two later they called with my ultrasound appointment. My boyfriend took me, but he wouldn’t come in the room. By then he had made it clear I was to stay pregnant. I went in alone to let them check my baby to make plans for its abortion.

When they put the probe on my tummy, up popped my baby on the screen. I asked if they could tell the sex and they said it was too soon, but I knew instantly it was a little girl. I looked at the probe on my tummy, and then back to the screen showing me my little girl. I was in love.

They measured and checked her and then said it would be no problem to have her aborted. I came crashing down to earth a bit. It is so surreal to watch your baby kicking as they make plans to abort her.

I wanted to keep her so bad, but I knew it was best to have the abortion. I was crying by the time I found my boyfriend in the waiting room.

They gave me the appointment for the abortion. I was going to “lose” my baby the next week.

They don’t abort babies in Prince Edward Island so I had to go to Halifax to get it done. That is a four hour drive from where I live. He wasn’t happy, but he agreed to drive me there for the procedure.

Between being sedated from the morning sickness meds and work, life was a blur the next few days. My work uniform was starting to get snug in my abdomen and my chest. I felt like I could see a wee little bump in the mirror.

The closer the abortion got, the more I wanted to keep her. Two days before my appointment, they called. The nurses had gone on strike in Halifax and they were cancelling my abortion. Don’t worry they said, we will abort your baby as soon as we can. We’ll call you with a new date.

I wondered how often they did it to say such words so easily. Don’t worry – we’ll abort your baby soon.

When I told my boyfriend I felt more pressure to keep her. But what I felt most was panic. I was stuck pregnant. There was not a thing I could do. The next morning I put on my work uniform and it was tighter.

It was a week before they called back and gave me the new date and time. 7AM on Monday… in two weeks! I’d be just over thirteen weeks along by then. More panic. But nothing to do but wait.

When I had first got booked for the ultrasound, I was looking on the internet to find out about abortion. I happened upon Stirrupz.com and ended up talking with Janie from the site. I told her about my problem. She said to relax and not worry – no one was going to force me to have a baby.

Only my boyfriend, Janie and a friend of mine knew I was pregnant. I did everything I could to hide the bump as I started to show. I wore hoodies everywhere. Thankfully it was spring so no one really questioned it.

I was really starting to struggle with the waiting. I told Janie about how bad it was to wait. She helped me. First we had a long talk about what I wanted. And when I could tell her that I was sure I wanted the abortion she offered to use hypnosis so I didn’t struggle with waiting.

Once that was done, it was so different. I couldn’t struggle with “should I abort” anymore. I was going to abort. No question. I still wanted my baby girl so bad. But I would abort her. I knew that after Janie helped.

I can’t even really describe what she did. We were just talking and it felt like I fell asleep. She said I was hypnotized but I really don’t remember that. Whatever she did, it was amazing. Anyone else who is pregnant should get her to do it too. Once its done, you feel like you are being told what to do. And that is so much better than having to make your own choices.

The other thing she helped with is really embarrassing. She taught me it was ok to have sex when pregnant and to enjoy it. At first I didn’t want to even try it. When I did… its amazing. I felt bad for enjoying it so much but she said its just nature – and to let it happen. I loved how it felt! You should try it to… but enough of that!

The night before my appointment, I shaved between my legs and tried to get ready as best I could. I took pictures of my tummy so I could remember it.

I talked to Janie again… I told her I wanted to keep my baby. She gave me some really weird advice – every time I thought that, just spread my legs a little more so it was easier for them. I hated the advice. I slept a bit, then it was time for the drive.

Four hours is a long time to ride in a car waiting to abort your baby. Every few minutes I wanted to keep my baby. I did what she suggested, I spread my legs a bit. And when I did, I’d relax and know I was going to abort. It was so strange to let it happen even though I wanted to keep her.

When we got to Halifax, my boyfriend and friend stayed in the main waiting room. They took me to the “girls only” part. I couldn’t help but think as I walked down the hallway with the nurse that I was carrying my baby girl to her abortion. What a strange feeling.

I went into a little office and sat down. The nurse explained a bit about the abortion and asked if I was sure. I wanted to keep my baby. By then it had changed to I’m keeping my baby. I spread my legs a little more like Janie had said, and then said yes.

The nurse put the form on the desk for me to sign and gave me the pen. I’m keeping my baby. I spread my legs a little more and signed on the line.

She led me to the locker room area. She told me I had to take off my pants and put on a gown. I could keep my shirt and even my panties for now. I told myself I was going to keep my baby. And then I spread my legs a bit more and undid my pants. I got into the gown and sat.

There were nine other girls sitting in gowns once we were all in that room. I watched a nurse bring another girl some pills to take. After the nurse left she was squirming. I could see she was soo nervous. I watched her a bit more and slowly she relaxed and just sat there.

I hadn’t even noticed the nurse come back with pills again when suddenly she was beside me. She told me once I took the pills there was no turning back. I nodded. And thought… I’m going to keep my baby. I spread my legs. Then I swallowed the two little pills and let her put the big one under my tongue. She walked away and I could feel myself squirming just like the other girl had been.

She had told me the two little pills were to make me soft inside so they could get to the baby easier. The big pill would relax me.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed my phone – you get to keep it with you – and texted Janie. Help I said, I’m going to keep my baby. She asked if I’ve signed the form – yes. And taken the pills – again yes. Good she said, now spread your legs and wait.

I thought I must look like a fool to spread my legs in a gown. But I did it. I looked at the girl who took the pills before. Hers were spread too. Janie said she would talk to me until it didn’t matter anymore. And she did. Just talking about my baby, telling me to feel my tummy and say goodbye.

They came and started my IV. By then I was feeling weird. Pretty soon it didn’t matter. I put the phone down because I didn’t even need help to wait.

I watched curious as they took that other girl away. I wasn’t even really thinking then, but anytime the thought of keeping my little girl came, I just made sure my legs were open.

I lost track of time. But then they came for me, and helped me walk in. I stood beside the table and they asked for my panties. I just gave them to them. Then I lay down and lifted my feet into the stirrups.

The nurse was doing something to my IV. She said it would keep me comfy. I felt myself melt into the stirrups. It felt so good to lay in them. I could feel my baby girl inside. I was so full and pregnant.

The doctor came in and said my name. She was still saying hello as I felt her fingers sliding into my vagina. She didn’t even tell me she was going in. She pushed on my tummy. Hard. She made me feel my baby sooo strong. I was telling myself again I was going to stay pregnant.

I felt the speculum next. I fought it subconsciously. I was tense, and it hurt as it went in. Then she opened it without warning. She told me to relax but I couldn’t. I wanted it out of me.

She told me she was going to help me get numb. I felt a pinch. A really strong pinch inside my vagina. It hurt like hell, but as quickly as it came, it started to fade. I knew what it was – she was numbing my cervix so she could abort my baby. I’m going to stay pregnant I thought to myself. I could feel the tingle coming up into my tummy and running down my legs and the drugs worked.

I’d read lots about it on the internet. I knew how they did it.

It didn’t hurt. After a few minutes I felt her putting the dilators into my cervix. There was pressure from each one and then I’d feel it slip in. Then it felt different and I heard the suction. I felt cramps. I remember thinking so clearly that my baby was dying at that very second.

I think I might have slept a bit after that, I’m not sure. Pretty soon I sat in the waiting room for a while. And later, I got to have my boyfriend back.

It has been almost three weeks now and I still think about keeping my baby. I reach for my tummy and then remember I let them abort her. It was best – I’m still glad I aborted her. But it was so hard. I’m so glad I got help so I couldn’t back out at the last minute.

I wish I had been asleep, but they don’t do that in Halifax. I had to stay awake. I will never forget the feeling of my little girl dying inside me. But, the drugs made it so it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t horrified. It was just happening, and I got through it fine.

My biggest fear before was that I couldn’t do it without turning back… with some help, I overcame that. If you need help, be brave and ask for it. I’m so glad I asked on this site – and I even posted my story to try to make you feel a little better about the abortion you are going to have in a few days.

There is so much more I could say – I was pregnant for thirteen weeks and there is no way to fit that all here. But, if you want to ask me about something you can. Otherwise, just relax. I’ll give you the same advice… Once the abortion is booked, every time you think about keeping your baby, just spread your legs a bit and it will be ok.